Living in shame

I’ve been having such a bad week. I’m frustrated with my myself, with my life, with others and so on. It’s like nothing I did this week was right. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have week like this. It’s like I have so much shame that I can’t get rid of. It’s catching up to me.

It started out as a good week. I had a good conversation with my mother and I sent out a letter to a friend. But after that it’s like I just couldn’t smile, I couldn’t resist temptation, I couldn’t help out others. It’s like I was (and still am) stuck in limbo. I don’t care about the good and I don’t care  about the bad.

I personally know this isn’t good and I know why I feel this way but it’s still dragging me down. It makes me feel like I’m not leading a good life. I often ask myself this question: What is my purpose in life? This always makes me reflect, am I doing what God wants me to be doing in this very moment? Am I the person God me to be? Am I doing God’s will?

I have been struggling a lot with God’s will, especially with my vocation. I thought I wasn’t called to religious life and now I feel this calling again. Discerning this freaks me out. What if I’m actually called to religious life? What about my desire to have kids? All these things I have been thinking about.

Ugh so many different thoughts coming to mind. I honestly feel like God is giving me the choice. I feel like I could be a great mother but I also feel like I could be a great sister. Oh the choices… I don’t like it when people tell me, just wait you’re still young. To me this isn’t living in the moment. If God wants me to do something then I would want to respond as soon I can. Something I struggle a lot with is patience. And I also fear asking God for patience because when I do that He always puts me in situations where I need to practice patience.  We sometimes have a silly God.

All that to say, I am still praying for a better understanding of God’s will for me. I’m am so confused and lost with it. But I will take time to pray more about it. Could you please pray for me? I am in a desperate need of prayers.

Also, tomorrow I will be heading to confession! Hurray! This will bring me joy and I know it. I hope this will help with this shame that I’m carrying. I just need to let it go because I have dealt with it in the past I have made amends, I just need to let it go. But it’s easier said than done.

-My Catholic Living

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