This might lead to a rant and I’m sorry if it does but I can’t go swimming so I have to take my frustration out somehow.
I’m slowly trying to let go of my own will and this journey has not been easy. But the more I let go the more I can get to know God and the more I get to know Him the more I can fall in love with Him and have real peace, love and joy in my life.
That being said I have a pretty good idea where God is sending me and my mind is still very closed to this idea. I want to fully let go and let Him lead me there but I feel like I won’t me happy, like I won’t be fulfilled. My will and God’s will don’t align this very moment and it’s only been causing frustration and confusion in my life.
It’s also affecting my work life. Last night I was leading a youth gathering and it really didn’t go well. Kids were fist fighting, someone had a nose bleed, people crying, running on table, breaking table, playing with the lights. I had to kick some of the kids out but father brought them back in against my better judgement. Oh yea and then I forgot to mention the food fight and people throwing water all of the place. I couldn’t handle all of this. I was physically ready for all this because the evening usually go by that pace but I wasn’t emotionally ready.
When it was time to leave I told the kids, packed my stuff and told them to go home (they all walk to go to the hall so we can start and end at whatever time I want, remember, this is native time). They absolutely refused to leave. The younger kids left no problem because they were really happy that they still had time to go sledding but the older kids did everything to rebel against me.
I was fed up so I left without locking the hall. I went to the rectory (where I’m currently staying) sat on the couch and the priest living there had just enough time to ask me how I am and I didn’t want to show my frustration so I was just going to say I’m ok but then I started crying.
I wasn’t looking for attention, I was just done, tired, frustrated, angry and then the unthinkable happens, the kids come knocking on the door. I didn’t want them to see what kind of state I was in so I went to the chapel while father went outside to lock the hall door. I thought father would of shown a bit of love or respect when he came back to the house but he just kept saying that I was acting like them because I was crying. This only made me feel more angry and I really didn’t want to talk to him at this point. I just wanted to have some chill time with Jesus.
But he kept asking me to go see the kids because they wanted to apologize to me. I didn’t want to hear that because they apologized so many times that evening but it meant nothing. Against my will I went downstairs talked to them for about 30 seconds then the priest told them to leave.
It was so awkward when the kids left because the priest kept blaming me for crying, he kept saying it was useless and saying that I was childish. I know we all have problems/crosses but sometimes our cross can feel heavier than others (especially after an evening like I had) but to him it didn’t matter how I felt. What mattered at the time was that I put a fake smile on and kept hanging out with the kids.
All of this to say ‘Please God work through my brokenness’.
But it did get a bit better later in the evening because some of the kids came back and they gave me a card and a flower. I mean I was still not in a good of mind but it did make the situation better. Tonight I refuse to have a gathering in the hall because it’s such a big mess and I don’t think I could take it but we might go skating instead. Maybe skating will be a good way for them to waste their energy. I won’t be in charge of them so I will be able to leave when I want to.
Father almighty, you know I love these kids but you also know they are testing my patience. Every times I ask for more patience you put me in these situations. I don’t think I’ll pray for patience anymore….
My Catholic Living