Yes I can.. no I can’

Depression, now this is a hard one to talk about but I was inspired by Jean, a friend of mine. This is what she said I can’t walk forward facing backwards! 14079783_1082420308474192_7302427914441682464_n

Big shout out to Jean as she’s been helping me with this. Without me telling her about what I was going through she knew I needed a shoulder to cry on. You know what she did? She sent me an email with pictures of Mary with quotes and verses. This was an instant pick me up as I knew I wasn’t alone even though I felt as though I was alone.

I have gone through depression and I know how much it can hurt. It’s more than just a mental issue but it’s also physical, emotional and spiritual. 

Imagine this, you’re having a great time in market square with a friend, you’re shopping for a new shirt. You pick a shirt that you really like and ask you friend if she likes it too. She says it looks beautiful on you. You buy it put it in a plastic bag and leave the store. Now you know what’s in the bag and know it’s nothing bad. But the people around you keep giving you weird looks as if they want to know what’s in the bag. You just want to hide it and keep it to yourself. Your friend tells you that she has other things to do so you split up and wish her a good day.

Because everyone has been giving you these awful looks all day you isolate yourself, you run back home and hide. It feels like the whole world is against you just for buying a shirt. Another friend calls you and asks to hang out and you lie saying that you are busy. a_8You sleep the rest of the afternoon away because your thoughts have taken over. You wake up at 8pm and you’re hungry but you don’t eat because you’re too tired. You try to do a bit of work but that feeling of being completely useless takes over so you go back to bed. You sleep another 10 hours and wake up the next morning just as tired as you were the night before. You’re starving because you skipped diner last night so you pretend to eat something. You have a few crackers but it’s not filling the deeper need so you give up on eating.

You feel like the most ugly person on earth and skip your morning routine to just get ready for work. This is going to be a bad day. Somehow you go through your work day and go home right away. People are overwhelming when going through a depression, they ask questions which you don’t want to answer. You’re anxious, you’re alone and yet you’re surrounded by so many good people

You hide in your house again hoping no one calls you but secretly really hoping someone calls you. You eat something quick and go to bed again.

It’s a vicious cycle as you don’t want to do anything because you don’t have energy, your prayer life disappears, you lose contact with friends and all of this makes you feel (pardon my language) like crap. This is just the surface of how I experience depression. There is so much more going on with my thoughts as well. Thoughts that I have such a hard time sharing with people.

Please don’t ever tell someone battling with depression It’s all in your head. That is probably the worst thing you could tell them as it makes us feel like we’re stuck in an even darker room.  When someone says that to me I feel even more alone, like I’m more of a lost cause.

And the problem with depression is that many people face it but it’s on different degrees. What I experience isn’t the same as my friend PJ or even my next-door neighbour but it’s a struggle nonetheless.

So why did I think about depression when Jean said I can’t walk forward facing backwards! It’s because it’s so true, when I go through a depression (for me it comes and goes) I try living in the past, I think of the things I should of done and how I could of done them 14079864_1086048418111381_1075280478126070859_nbetter. BUT this isn’t what God wants from us. He wants us to be here, today, now. What happened in the past happened and we can’t change it. And it’s the same with the future.
We can’t predict the future but we can hope fora better future with today’s actions.
Look forward, what do I want in my future? I want joy, hope, peace, love…
How do I get that? I get that by living in the moment, what does God want me to do in this very moment? Sure right now it’s easy for me think about that but when I’m going through hard times I can’t even imagine peace or even hope but there’s always hope.

Jesus never gave up on that cross even when He felt completely abandoned and betrayed by His Father. He stayed there and went through all the pain for our sake, pure love. There’s always hope even when we don’t see it.


My Catholic Living

4 thoughts on “Yes I can.. no I can’

  1. My mother has battled depression her whole life, so my heart truly goes out to you in your struggle. As I am severely physically disabled, my mother takes care of me – but I wish that I could take care of her. The thing that I learned about depression is that there is nothing that I, a loved one, can do to “fix” it. And it’s not her fault – or my fault. Depression is a disease that needs to be treated, but cannot be cured.

    My mother has finally found a good doctor who is prescribing her appropriate medication, but it’s an ongoing suffering to bear, with, as you said, good times and bad times. I do believe that my mother’s faith helps her immeasurably. I pray every day for her peace of mind and peace of heart. I will also say a prayer for you! Expressing yourself through this blog while looking forward with Christ is a beautiful journey. I’m glad that you found my blog and that I found yours! Keep up the good work!

    Pax Christi

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! This is beautiful and even inspiring. I really enjoy your blog and I’m glad I found it.
      Depression is something we don’t talk about and yet almost everyone is affected by it. Why do you we keep it a secret? It’s kept a secret because that was depression wants. Depression wants us to suffer alone. But we’re stronger than that! We will kick depression in the face and show it who the boss really is. I can say that now but when I’m struggling I would never be able to say that.
      Something that I noticed was that with depression I have been able to get closer to Christ, especially through the Passion. Relating my struggles with His struggles.
      I do encourage you to keep on writing as you really inspire me to become a better person. Thank you for sharing about your journey and I look forward to learning more about you.
      Peace ❤


  2. Extremely well written blog Celine you and Jean worked on this one, Ionia a little about the effect of depression since it was part of my early young life, thank God Isasable to defeat it on my own,
    God Bless you fore style do,


    1. Thank you very much Joe. It means a lot when you say that something is well written. I cherish your compliments.
      Something that has helped me is to know what my triggers are. If I can avoid them then I can avoid depression.
      Although sometimes it catches me off guard but now I have a support group. I have people I can call or go see. And the fact that I can talk or even write about it shows a lot of improvement.
      Depression comes and goes, just don’t let yourself be defined by it.


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