Depression, now this is a hard one to talk about but I was inspired by Jean, a friend of mine. This is what she said I can’t walk forward facing backwards!
Big shout out to Jean as she’s been helping me with this. Without me telling her about what I was going through she knew I needed a shoulder to cry on. You know what she did? She sent me an email with pictures of Mary with quotes and verses. This was an instant pick me up as I knew I wasn’t alone even though I felt as though I was alone.
I have gone through depression and I know how much it can hurt. It’s more than just a mental issue but it’s also physical, emotional and spiritual.
Imagine this, you’re having a great time in market square with a friend, you’re shopping for a new shirt. You pick a shirt that you really like and ask you friend if she likes it too. She says it looks beautiful on you. You buy it put it in a plastic bag and leave the store. Now you know what’s in the bag and know it’s nothing bad. But the people around you keep giving you weird looks as if they want to know what’s in the bag. You just want to hide it and keep it to yourself. Your friend tells you that she has other things to do so you split up and wish her a good day.
Because everyone has been giving you these awful looks all day you isolate yourself, you run back home and hide. It feels like the whole world is against you just for buying a shirt. Another friend calls you and asks to hang out and you lie saying that you are busy. You sleep the rest of the afternoon away because your thoughts have taken over. You wake up at 8pm and you’re hungry but you don’t eat because you’re too tired. You try to do a bit of work but that feeling of being completely useless takes over so you go back to bed. You sleep another 10 hours and wake up the next morning just as tired as you were the night before. You’re starving because you skipped diner last night so you pretend to eat something. You have a few crackers but it’s not filling the deeper need so you give up on eating.
You feel like the most ugly person on earth and skip your morning routine to just get ready for work. This is going to be a bad day. Somehow you go through your work day and go home right away. People are overwhelming when going through a depression, they ask questions which you don’t want to answer. You’re anxious, you’re alone and yet you’re surrounded by so many good people
You hide in your house again hoping no one calls you but secretly really hoping someone calls you. You eat something quick and go to bed again.
It’s a vicious cycle as you don’t want to do anything because you don’t have energy, your prayer life disappears, you lose contact with friends and all of this makes you feel (pardon my language) like crap. This is just the surface of how I experience depression. There is so much more going on with my thoughts as well. Thoughts that I have such a hard time sharing with people.
Please don’t ever tell someone battling with depression It’s all in your head. That is probably the worst thing you could tell them as it makes us feel like we’re stuck in an even darker room. When someone says that to me I feel even more alone, like I’m more of a lost cause.
And the problem with depression is that many people face it but it’s on different degrees. What I experience isn’t the same as my friend PJ or even my next-door neighbour but it’s a struggle nonetheless.
So why did I think about depression when Jean said I can’t walk forward facing backwards! It’s because it’s so true, when I go through a depression (for me it comes and goes) I try living in the past, I think of the things I should of done and how I could of done them better. BUT this isn’t what God wants from us. He wants us to be here, today, now. What happened in the past happened and we can’t change it. And it’s the same with the future.
We can’t predict the future but we can hope fora better future with today’s actions.
Look forward, what do I want in my future? I want joy, hope, peace, love…
How do I get that? I get that by living in the moment, what does God want me to do in this very moment? Sure right now it’s easy for me think about that but when I’m going through hard times I can’t even imagine peace or even hope but there’s always hope.
Jesus never gave up on that cross even when He felt completely abandoned and betrayed by His Father. He stayed there and went through all the pain for our sake, pure love. There’s always hope even when we don’t see it.
My Catholic Living