Category Archives: shame

Confession Time

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That was a beautiful honest confession. Those were the most beautiful words I heard yesterday.

I have both a confession and a story of grace for you. The confession is that I recently made the decision that I would restart drinking but only socially. This decisions wasn’t easy to make and I had actually consulted a few people about it as I really had not drank for about 3 years. Sounds legit right? Well long story short in just a few days I had completely over done it.

BUT I learned a lot from this, not only from the mistakes but from something else. From December 30th to January 1st I volunteered from something called Operation Red Nose.

The mission of Operation Red Nose is to encourage responsible behaviour (in a non-judgmental manner) with regard to impaired driving by enabling communities to provide a free and confidential chauffeur service to their members, the financial benefits of which are redistributed to local organizations dedicated to youth.

red-nose-logo-150So basically I got to drive people and their vehicle to a home location. You can read more about the service here.

On the first day I was the escort driver meaning that I got in the person’s vehicle accompanied by a navigator and our clients and we were followed by our other main vehicle. On the second day I was the navigator which also meant that I was the one doing the paper work. The second time, new years eve and new years morning, was a bit more of a challenge as we had call after call. Our team started around 11pm and got back to headquarters at 3:45 am and had around six calls. We had 12 teams on the road and if every team had between five and nine calls that meant that around 84 people were home safe and didn’t have to worry about finding their vehicle the next day.

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Breathe. Suck back air.

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Breathe. Suck back air.

Who here likes to write? I’m not sure but I think it’s safe to assume that many people who read my blog are bloggers themselves. Come out from hiding and help us raise awareness, the many sons and daughters that are suffering. Help us show them how much they are loved, how much they are appreciated and how much they are wanted.

To feel loved is something unimaginable to many, what can we do to show our love to them?

So breathe. Suck back Air.

Let’s stop looking at suicide as a statistic and start looking at it as people. People who weren’t seeing their worth, people who were struggling with things we can’t even imagine, people made in God’s image.

Love, we need love. Compassion, we need compassion. God, we have God.

Open the discussion, talk about it, do not be afraid because a simple conversation can turn someone’s life around. Positivity, it’s all around us but are we sharing it with others or are we being selfish and keeping it to ourselves.

Let tradition and ceremony be your medicine. Let the ancient tongues of your grandmothers be your lullaby. Let prayers be the wings that give you flight. Let not another light be stolen. Not another loss to suicide. Not now. Breathe. Suck back air. Helen Knott Spoken Word – We Matter Campaign Read the rest of this entry

Help me.

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Tonight I feel like a complete failure. We have so many youth in the archdiocese and I wish I could meet all of them and talk about Jesus but I can’t. Why was I gloomy last week? It’s because I got a message from someone telling me that there were three suicides in one of our communities. I did not deal with those news too well. These are not the news you want to hear or even expect to hear.

chris-stokes-life-stay-close-to-god

I might not of known these girls very well but I still know that they were important to many but also to me. All the youth in the Archdiocese of Keewatin-Le Pas have a special place in my heart. They are the reason why I’m here in the north, they have shaped me to be a better woman and taught me to serve our God in an even better way. But it’s when things like this happen, I feel like I am to blame even though I know it’s not my fault.
I was watching a movie with one of my housemates while surfing through Facebook and I saw something new, another suicide. I was devastated, went to my room and shed more tears. We lost four girls in less than a week, why is this happening?  One of them was only 10 years old, a tragedy.  Read the rest of this entry

Confession of a wonky thumb

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Ok, I have something to admit, something that I tried hiding for years and year but it’s time I finally come clean with it. I have… I can’t say it…. I am…. hmmm… I’m a freak. I have something called Brachydactyly Type D (BDD).

What the heck is that? I like to think of it as strange dinosaur disease, yes, I’m actually a dinosaur. Hehe, now I’m sure you’re confused…. unless you know what BDD is then I will give you a high5! *High5*

Basically BDD means that the distal phalanx of the thumb alone is shortened, in other words the nail bed of my thumbs is wider than it’s long, weird eh?

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Living in shame

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I’ve been having such a bad week. I’m frustrated with my myself, with my life, with others and so on. It’s like nothing I did this week was right. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have week like this. It’s like I have so much shame that I can’t get rid of. It’s catching up to me.

It started out as a good week. I had a good conversation with my mother and I sent out a letter to a friend. But after that it’s like I just couldn’t smile, I couldn’t resist temptation, I couldn’t help out others. It’s like I was (and still am) stuck in limbo. I don’t care about the good and I don’t care  about the bad.

I personally know this isn’t good and I know why I feel this way but it’s still dragging me down. It makes me feel like I’m not leading a good life. I often ask myself this question: What is my purpose in life? This always makes me reflect, am I doing what God wants me to be doing in this very moment? Am I the person God me to be? Am I doing God’s will?

I have been struggling a lot with God’s will, especially with my vocation. I thought I wasn’t called to religious life and now I feel this calling again. Discerning this freaks me out. What if I’m actually called to religious life? What about my desire to have kids? All these things I have been thinking about.

Ugh so many different thoughts coming to mind. I honestly feel like God is giving me the choice. I feel like I could be a great mother but I also feel like I could be a great sister. Oh the choices… I don’t like it when people tell me, just wait you’re still young. To me this isn’t living in the moment. If God wants me to do something then I would want to respond as soon I can. Something I struggle a lot with is patience. And I also fear asking God for patience because when I do that He always puts me in situations where I need to practice patience.  We sometimes have a silly God.

All that to say, I am still praying for a better understanding of God’s will for me. I’m am so confused and lost with it. But I will take time to pray more about it. Could you please pray for me? I am in a desperate need of prayers.

Also, tomorrow I will be heading to confession! Hurray! This will bring me joy and I know it. I hope this will help with this shame that I’m carrying. I just need to let it go because I have dealt with it in the past I have made amends, I just need to let it go. But it’s easier said than done.

-My Catholic Living